Hands
by John Kitching
Last Saturday, shopping with my mum downtown
I caught a glimpse of Mrs. Brown.
she must be 50 if she's a day.
Her face is wrinkled
and she's gone quite grey.
she's very old-fashioned,
Wears blacks and blues,
Thick, thick stockings,
and granny-type shoes.
But imagine if you can,
My huge surprise.
I hardly could believe my eyes.
There she was in the Saturday street,
Just as usual, greyly neat.
But walking along arm-in-arm
And holding the hand
Of a rock star from my favourite band.
And then I tell you
(I nearly missed it)
He took her hand
And gently kissed it!
And then my mum whispered
In a voice that just carried,
'But didn't you know
Those two are married?
Mrs. Brown's been married to him for years.'
I hardly could believe my ears.
Who would have thought
Rock stars could ever have wives--
Or that teachers could ever
Have such secret lives?
This next one tells you a bit about the status of teachers in Britain.
Extra-Money Activities
by Gina Duthwaite
Mr Count who teaches Maths,
became a comic just for laughs.
Behind the bar is Mme Drench,
who by day takes us for French.
Dinner lady, Mrs. Kipper,
took the job as part-time stripper.
Mr. Smart from Art and Craft,
earns more for brushing floors. It's daft!
Miss Plummy-Tongue, of gentle breed,
who listens to us when we read,
at night is now attending to
the cloakroom and the ladies' loo.
German tutor Herr von Frizz
compiles the local knowledge quiz.
Jack O'Toole O'school caretaker,
got appointed as head waiter.
Mrs. Note, the Music tutor's
ringing bells for 'TIME,' in future.
We hesitate er...to announce...er...
the Head's applied to be a bouncer.
Postcard from the Edge
by Jane Wright
Dear class ______(fill in year)
I'm having __ a wonderful time ___ sweet dreams of you ____a nervous breakdown.
We arrived after 16 ___ hours ____ days ____Hell's Angels helped us fix our flat tyre.
Still the hotel is ____ atop a huge cliff; ____sliding over the cliff ____not built yet
and the views over ___ the sea ____ the bins ____ Tesco's (a major grocery chain) car park
are staggering.
I'd like to ___take in the sea air _____teach the world to sing _____strangle every one of you personally
but the doctor says ____I should take it easy _____I'm a raving loony _____I need help.
You mustn't think ____I don't miss you _____I like you _____because it hurts your head.
But I admit taking this holiday is exactly ____what I needed ____what you needed ____what the rest of the staff needed.
I know that little chemistry experiment was ____an accident ____an act of genius ____an act of sabbotage
and that you didn't mean ____for it to happen _____to blow up the school ____to set my cardigan on fire.
Auntie Jane ____is looking after me very well ____is sick of the sight of me ____has fallen in love with one of the Hell's Angels
and says I should be up and about by ____next week ____next Christmas ____the time she counts to three
otherwise ____she'll have to get the doctor back ____she'll shout for Uncle Alfie ____there'll be trouble.
See you ____soon, I hope ______not if I see you first ____in court.
Your _____loving _____demented ______redundant
teacher,
____________________ (sign here).
Through the Staffroom Door
by Brian Moses
Ten tired teacher slumped in the staffroom at playtime,
One collapsed when the coffee ran out, then there were nine.
Nine tired teachers making lists of things they hate,
One remembered playground duty, then there were eight.
Eight tired teachers thinking of holidays in Devon,
One slipped off to pack his case, then there were seven.
Seven tired teachers weary of children's tricks,
One hid in the stock cupboard, then there were six.
Six tired teachers under the weather, barely alive,
One gave an enormous sneeze, then there were five.
Five tired teachers gazing at the open door,
One made a quick getaway, then there were four.
Four tired teachers faces lined with misery,
One locked herself in the ladies, then there were three.
Three tired teachers wondering what to do,
One started screaming, then there were two.
Two tired teachers thinking life really ought to be fun,
One was summoned to see the head, then there was one.
One tired teacher caught napping in the afternoon sun,
fled quickly from the staffroom, then there was none.
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